Follow the Golden Rules of Stepparenting

Don't force your spouse to choose between you and the kids. Remember that there are two families in your spouse's life, not just your new one.

Do conduct research about stepfamilies. Read books on what you, your spouse and kids might feel when merging. Seek out a step-parenting online message board or a family counselor if needed.

Don't compete with the biological parent. It doesn't matter if your stepchild loves you more or less than her/his parent. It's a different relationship and a different kind of love.

Do deal with problems immediately. Don't let bad feeling fester. If your stepchild insist on eating dinner in his/her room, tell them what the expectations are-"I'd like you to eat at the table so we can all spend time together"-and ask why he/she wants to be alone. Once you know the reason, you can try to fix it.

Don't fail to recognize that merging families is an ongoing process. You were all used to your old routines and accustomed to each relatives quirks and habits. It's inevitable that this transition will take time. Just keep working at the relationships.

Do talk about expectations early. Set boundaries as soon as you can (ideally, before you get married). Discuss everything from what kind of cereal you allow your kids to eat to how you discipline them. When you're on the same page, you're less likely to get upset.

Don't fight in front of the kids. Children usually side with their biological parent, making the stepparent feel unsupported. And arguing causes stress for the kids.

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Strengthen your marriage...Stay connected to your spouse even when your family life feels rocky. *Acknowledge the situation...Recognize that stepparenting can take a toll on a marriage. It's easy to become irritated and frustrated with each other when your children are upset and you're stressed. Just saying, "Wow, this is really hard," to each other will put you in a "we're in this together" mindset.   *Protect your marriage...It's important for all couples to work on their relationship, but it's especially crucial for stepparents because they face so many challenges. Spend time together taking part in mutual interests, and communicate using "I" statements (such as "I feel upset when Jeremy yells at me," instead of an accusatory, "You never stick up for me!")   Living with the "Bonus Parent"...You  might wonder about rules and whether you really have to listen to your stepparent even if he or she is not your real mom or dad. A stepparent is another adult or maybe "bonus parent" who is looking out for you, so it's best to give him or her the same level of respect you give your own parents. When you're still getting used to a new stepparent, it may seem as though things will never be OK. It takes a while to get comfortable with someone, and it also takes patience and lots of talking from both parties. But you might surprise yourself when you realize one day that you can't imagine your life without your "bonus parent" *Compromise on parenting techniques...Divorced parents to go easy on their children. But the stepparent may feel less connected and more easily irritated, and lean toward being firmer with the child. When talking about parenting issues, use the soft-hard-soft method; Say something positive, then request a change , then finish with another positive comment. So instead of, "Your child is a manipulative brat," try, "I know you want the best for your kids and you don't want to upset them. But you set that rule and Ashley broke it. Can we talk about how to handle this?"  EXTRA TIPS Spend holidays apart at first when beginning to join two families, celebrating holidays and birthdays together may hinder the process. Kids and adults need familiar rituals, and integrating new people and compromising on traditions could create more pain than gain. Communication holds the key, when it comes to step parenting. Talk to your spouse about the problems you are facing. Build healthy relationship with the step child, one of the good options would be to take up a hobby with your stepchild. Follow the rules of the relationship - never speak negatively about the other parent. Be prepared to face a hard time with the kid. Have a lot of patience and realize that for a child, adjusting to a new parent takes time. Remember, you should never break their trust. If they have confided something to you, never let it out of your mouth. A one-on-one communication will help you in coming closer to them. Give them your time and show interest in their daily activity.